Children look up to their only role-model(s) in life, from the very beginning the child experiences life from their parents whom are burdened with the responsibility to make sure, the one task given, that their child they have brought upon this forsakened world, is teach said child how to live and survive in the world. Their main task is to just love. The most powerful thing in this world is love!
I guess.....I guess I will write down what I feel currently, as of this moment, what my emotional heart conveys to my brain with whatever chemical inbalance sits....
From the day, the very first moment, my brain began to comprehend what experiences were laid down in front of me, I seeked one thing I have never recieved in my twenty-six years of life was.....love.....but instead I only obtained the opposite from my creator(s), my life giver, my father of a parent was hate. Even in the womb, a murder was attempted. My life was meant to be taken before I gasped my first breath. I wanted to be loved but recieved hate the moment I was conceived in my mothers womb. Fast-forward. Ever since I was a child growing up I was only abused and was on the brink of extinction! My life couldn't even flash before my eyes because I was in the middle of the processes of premeditated murder by the hands of my own father. Not just physically abused but emotionally abused ever since I could begin to remember!! The hate that was there for me followed all the way till I was around 18 & a quarter, when my father passed away without ever telling me he loved me!!!
I searched everywhere to find this feeling in my heart I had desired ever so much, everywhere I looked, even under a rock, it was no where to be found. I grew up feeling hated. I grew up feeling undesirable. I grew up feeling all alone. I grew up....unloved......by anyone. When I couldn't find what I yearned for so long and grew up learning there was ways to fill that dark, ever unfilled desired of a hole somewhere inside of my soul I ended up filling this emptiness with substances of abuse to the highest degree!
Just to make things a little bit more clear, I had happiness, I had good moments, memories, and glorious experiences. There obviously was the ups-and-downs in my life. With good friends and people just in general but never have I felt loved. So after everything, I learned, even though it was temporary, a way to fill the one missing desire I ever had, love, by doing various stimulants that scientifically speaking gave me the chemical equivlent of love I never had. It was a good, warm feeling but mostly it was just a experience that nulled that desire of love. It was beautiful in the beginning but slowly faded until it was done with its effect of temporary feeling the equivalence of love.
I was so badly broken that I was ready to simply just go ask God himself why I could never experience love from just one soul? When I had it all planned out, it was the day of my only sister's birthday. I loved her so much I didn't want to give her a present of depression & sorrow by leaving her and everyone behind so I planned for the following day. But I suppose God knew exactly what I been looking for because I couldn't find it elsewhere. A single soul, the first moment my brain processed what I had just witnessed and understood what my eyes focused on I saw....her....
I saw soul of my other half, it was like an angel at first to make me reverse my decision of meeting God personally before my expiration date, the most beautiful creation to have ever been was sitting right across from me, a girl, I was in absolute awe. You know how in the movies when someone sees someone and everything became slow-motion or whatever well yeah, I had something like that but time felt as if it stood therr and didn't move an inch. As I was looking at her, talking to her friends, living her life just the way she was in that moment, smiling and laughing about, my heart of frozen stone began to break off and start pushing blood again....
I know this is cliché as fuck but I knew that this was the moment I've been waiting for my whole life. This was my soul mate, even before I understood or think about what a soul mate even was I just felt in my heart and soul she would be the one to free me from this emptiness and fill my heart & soul with the one and only desire I ever had.....love.
I had no clue who she was or even whom she could of even been. One thing for sure was I didn't find out her name that evening at the amusement park 'Oak's Park'. Little did I know that Oaks Park was also her favorite place. I just knew she was one of my sister's friends. Anyways, I tried to get her attention in the most primitive way, by being the 'loud' one out, boasting around with confidence I never experienced nor knew how to use. Lol. I wonder if I ever gotton her attention. I wish I had the courage to approach her and simply say "hello"....
But long story short, as I wish to end this dairy for now and continue later...I found out her name after a few weeks when I found out we went to the same church, her name was such a beautiful and lovely sound, like music to my ears, hearing her name made me feel my heart, if only....
The most beautiful name for the most beautiful creation, a girl named Gloria.......